Friday, September 30, 2011

Food for Thought

After a muggy Saturday afternoon of cataloging a 2 TB collection of Asian porn, is a man not entitled to a refreshing dip in his own swimming pool?

And should he fail to have his own swimming pool, should not an invitation to his neighbor's swimming pool suffice?

And should not that invitation come in the traditional verbal or written sense, should the man really permit himself to be hindered by such things as padlocked chain-link fences, selfish little bastard children, or the conventions of basic human decency?

These are the questions of our time, best left to great thinkers and philosophers.

And the magistrate at my hearing next Tuesday.  Yes, she will definitely have some input.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Good Night Sweet and Spicy Prince

As I'm sure you all know by now, a great hero of mine passed today.  He was an incredible man and a pioneer, and he shall be missed.  So yeah, it was a really rough afternoon, needless to say.  

It truly came as a surprise to me.  You know, you never really think it's going to happen and then it does.  And when I was at work, just sitting there at my desk, surfing the net for the latest celeb gossip, it was all like BAM!  Yahoo News Feed.  Oh, only Arch West, inventor of Doritos®, found dead this morning.  Hit me like a ton of bricks.  Didn't even bother to tell anyone I was taking a personal day.  I just had to get the hell out of there. 

Obviously, the first thing I needed to do was go and break the news to Kevin.  I knew it wasn't going to go over very well, so I called him over to my place.  The moment I started to tell him there had been a death, I could see him start to lose interest, like he thought maybe Kory died or something.  But sure enough, when he heard me utter "Arch..." things got serious.  Poor guy basically went into shock.  I had to swaddle him in "Kelli's" zebra-stripe Snuggie and set him down on the futon I am often made to sleep on.

I put on a strong face.  After a few minutes of stroking his hair and telling him everything was going to be all right (even though I knew it wasn't), he finally took down a little warm milk and nodded off for a bit.  I called dad and asked him to meet me at the park since I wasn't really sure who else was going to comfort me in my time of need.

Of course it was a huge mistake, and all he did was laugh at me.  And call me a pansy.  AND give me wedgies.  But I'm used to it at this point, so whatever.  I just wanted to think there might be the possibility of some kind of bonding.  At least I was able to cheer myself up a bit, having first swung by Costco to pick myself up a 30 oz. bag of classic Nacho Cheese.  On my way to fetch them from the car, as I tried to straighten out my underpants, I felt an all too familiar residue.  Looking over my shoulder, I observed a big orange handprint on the seat of my jean shorts.  Even though he left without saying so, I knew then that my father really did share my pain.  It brought a single tear to my eye, though this was in addition to all the other tears from my father having hazed the shit out of me.

Back at home, Kevin was awake, so we thought it might be cathartic to share our best Doritos® brand adventure stories with one another.  Like where we were the first time we tried each flavor.  It ended up being a really fun time because there were always plenty of Doritos® around the house, in 17 delicious flavors (not counting those shitty reduced fat or baked varieties)!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Who Wants to Go to the Hospital!

I like food.  I make no secret of this.  In fact, I'd be a big, fat liar if I tried to tell you I didn't get all excited and run up and down the driveway whenever Kelli brings home a party-sized pizza.  My favorite, I'd have to say, is pepperoni.

There are other things that would probably make make me a big, fat liar too.  Like if I told you that oils and pizza grease, when heated in excess of 200 degrees, won't burn right through human skin.

Or that I have particularly good judgement.


Sunday, September 11, 2011

Beach Day

Spent a fun little day at the beach with my two loved ones.

Kelli was nice enough to stay home and watch Felix.

Remembering 9/11

These colors don't run.  They may leave a little cheese dust on your fingertips, but they don't run.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Let's Get This Sandwich Party Started

A few weeks back, the family got together for the premiere of Sandwich King on Food Network.  For those of you who don't know, Jeff Mauro was the winner of The Next Food Network Star challenge / genius whose new program teaches people how to make sandwiches.

We all thought it would be a great idea to get giant party hoagies for the event.  And by "we all," I of course mean "Kevin."  So several hundred dollars later, with our gullets crammed full of steak and Pepper-Jack cheese, we were able to get through the solid half hour of Sunday afternoon entertainment so planned on.  Not invited was Felix, whom Kevin decided might create too many interruptions.  The little guy actually did all right on his own at home with only the supervision of "babysitter" Garbage.  (Note to reader:  regular trimming of nails is definitely recommended for cat ownership)

A Special Visitor

Kevin was over recently to take a look at my little bundle of joy.


When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Reading Material

Kevin and I found one effective way to pass the time at an air show.

Unexpected Joys

Today will certainly go down one as of the proudest moments of my adult life.  What started out as your typical Thursday night took an amazing and certainly unexpected turn.  It was about seven o'clock, and I was relaxing on the living room couch as Kelli was hard at work on the dishes from dinner.  Without a moment's notice, a frantic Kelli began shouting from the kitchen.  Apparently, Felix was taking his first steps!  Exuberant, I darted over to my desktop and used this opportunity to watch two porn videos I had downloaded earlier.  What better diversion could you ask for than a walking infant and a wife with a camcorder?